Shutting Down

Lately, I’ve been trying to think of why I should go on with this blog. I started it to help others – but, with my mind on the World Wide Web, I am finding it is starting to hurt me through increasing fears – some would say paranoia. It is always a bit of a dilemma for me when I begin things in a moment of (hypo)mania and then struggle to keep up with myself; it tends to push me into disaster. Therefore, I am suspending the writing of this – even though it is still just a ‘baby’ blog. Thank you for reading - and good wishes to you. I don’t know what will happen in the future - but I think I may be gone for some time.

Classification

I’m cut right down the middle; sometimes I see, sometimes I don’t. It’s called insight and it’s here today, gone tomorrow. I speak from loneliness in company. There is a distinct lack of direction like unreality is plate glass. They put creatures into different classes. I was good but I hated school. That held me back and they pazamped half of me back there. Don’t be lead astray by greed or guilt for you are forgiven by love. I climbed a church tower once when the hour struck. Stay away from bad company because it’s big business for criminal gangs to extortionate people.

At times I see reality and at times I don’t. It’s a mirage and a rainbow and a will-o-the-wisp. I can hear whispers and I know no-one is there. It’s an illusion and a delusion but someone is causing my arms to grow and shrink in length right now. I can’t see anything else.

A Sense of Time

First of all, thank you to those who left kind comments under my last post. Indeed, thank you to anyone who visits my blog. It is all much appreciated.

I have lost all scale of time, much as a person left in sensory deprivation. I forget when things started, and I am always surprised when things have an end. My time has stalled to a stand-still. I go through the motions – I get up, eat, wash, change clothes, paint and write in certain sequences but the meaning of time is changed and I tend to just follow what others are doing.

Since my illness began, it has been made known to me that I am a head and ruler of the timelines. I am ahead of time, for I was born before time. Yet, I am outside of time. I have a habit of giving a home to any clock or other time piece as I have a fascination for keeping time - simply because I can’t. I used to sit and rock a lot in order to get back in time. Life has lost a dimension.

May Day

May day, may day. Who’s wrong? It’s you and me, all misplaced. I’m in freefall and fretful. It’s a distress call, a free-for-all, they make one size fit all. On the face of it, it is a catastrophe: when a mind has blown down to a singular point, a semi-permanent full stop, it is the still life which strikes you. The pure pitch of your own shadow in your pupil, like a black hole forming.

No matter what, do not let them know you can’t sleep. They have a whole rainbow of medicines; but they give you more than just tremors. I can’t see myself and I can’t sleep. I’ll have some help, if I may. Lithium? Count me in. Anything to lift the anaesthesia. I miss life terribly. About life... I’m having second thoughts. Excuse me, I can’t sleep. May day.

Not Thinking Straight

I was fairly unwell when I wrote the following:

In the aftertaste of hypomania (mild mania), I realise I am all trouble and bad buys. It is a chronic contexture – the long-lasting setting feel. It’s a symphony in the universe. It's titalic poetry. It's born living in a tree house. It is a broken limb not resting. It is the rest of mankind and not me. My mother asks me what does ‘titalic’ mean. It is italic and capital. It is Berlin, Madrid and Oslo. Also, money makes the world go round as coins are circular.


He will come again to judge the quick and the dead. Dear God, do what you have to do, but do it quickly. Be quick or you’ll be stuck fast. Fast, simply to magnify the Lord almighty God. We laud and honour Him. It is a hymn to Him who makes and sustains. There is a stain on the wall. All things come from you, and of your own do we give you. That is why there are yew trees in churchyards. And here, there are too many cushions – for health and for decency.

Depression

Although not depressed right now, this is how it affects me:
Once more, depression has settled on me. Depression is rotten. It is daylight outside but I cannot see any way forward. There is pain where my heart is – a great weight in the chest: it is a collapse of heart. I spend a lot of time sleeping to forget the day. The terrible sadness overwhelms. I sit and sob.

I can’t concentrate. I can’t think of anything other than death, dying, the ending of things. I move as if underwater. My heart is turned to lead. I find it hard to care about anything.

Often there is a rush of inexplicable panic which clutches me about the throat. An awful sense of dread accompanies me that I can neither shift nor explain. Someone’s crying, Lord. The tears drop down.

Pacifism

I am prone to writing and speaking based on sounds alone and the meanings are often mostly irrelevant as can be seen here:


It is said that it is harder for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of Heaven than for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle. I saw a camel race once. Camels have long eyelashes. Sometimes, somewhere, it is a hundred lashes if you look at someone lustfully. With an eye to murder, it is more. Let that be a lesson to you: be careful what you do. I am a pacifist. I have never raised a fist to anyone. I was raised that way.

I have come apart from my body, often I see myself in detachment. I felt at times I have a difficult halo around the circumference of my head. It puts pressure on me in a tight band. I am so scared because my thoughts have bad side effects. They are so loud as to shift world continents with the sound waves. I bought a metronome last time I was manic and I find it ticking at largo tempo soothes me. I listen to it a lot. Still, silence is golden. Morning has broken.