A Relapse?

I am aware of my relapse signature – the signs which occur when the illness worsens – but the occurrence of only some of these signs need not signify the start of a relapse. Before a major crisis, I tend to read the same passages of the Bible obsessively and repetitively; I vomit frequently; the voices become noisier; I write aimlessly and constantly; and I feel utterly overwhelmed by even simple tasks. At the moment, I vomit every day and I have taken to writing without purpose and with nowhere in mind. It rings a bell, hopefully not an alarm one.

These are some other common relapse warning signs which people may experience:

• losing interest in your appearance and activities
• feeling depressed or worthless
• having trouble concentrating or thinking clearly
• experiencing racing thoughts
• feeling distant from friends and family
• suddenly finding religion/spirituality extremely and unusually meaningful
• having trouble making even simple decisions
• having trouble sleeping/sleeping too much
• feeling tense and nervous
• eating much more or much less than usual
• feeling that others are planning to hurt/kill you or make you ill
• feeling no enjoyment from anything
• talking in ways which do not make sense to others
• becoming angry over little things
• having thoughts of hurting or killing yourself
• turning to alcohol or street drugs
• believing that parts of your body are changing or are somehow different
• feeling that your surroundings are strange or unreal
• feeling frightened for no reason

Each individual will have a unique pattern of symptoms which make up a relapse signature. If you have a schizophrenia-spectrum disorder, know your signature and know when to get help.

This is what I had written in a piece entitled The Book of Time:

There is a time to remember, and a time to forget; a time for contentment, and a time for regret. The arrow which struck King Harold in the eye in 1066 at the Battle of Hastings travelled through time and has got lodged in my eye. There’s something in my eye. How can you see to take the speck out of your brother’s eye when you have a log in your own? Indeed, it is harder for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of Heaven than for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle. I am the King of Diamonds. There is a time to be born, and a time to die. But one day, idly, with nothing else in mind, I killed time by writing. I have killed time. Now where is dear time, where oh where is time? How should I know? Am I time’s keeper, am I the keeper of time?

I wrote these words obsessively and repetitively until a whole notebook was filled. I am constantly preoccupied that I have killed time and, like Cain after murdering Abel, I half-worry over trying to hide the fact. ‘Am I my brother’s keeper?’