The Act of Eating

For it is all just an act. During my first psychosis, I was fixed on the idea that I created my own energy. I existed only on oranges; I exercised excessively and furiously. Pre-hospital, my weight was recorded as underweight at 44kg , standing at 1.68 cm in height; immediately post-hospital, I was almost 67kg. These days, what I eat, I tend to vomit. I still claim it is anxiety. But there is, I admit, a perverse sense of satisfaction in being in rigid control of oneself, even to the point of (unintentional) self-starvation. It is being so in control that is so out of control in my disordered eating. Being solely on Abilify (aripiprazole) caused me to lose weight to 50kg, but on its own, it was not enough to help me with all the symptoms. Since then, my additional medicines have caused a 15kg weight gain over the past six months, so my weight yo-yos. It all takes it toll on me. At the time being, I cannot stand to eat.