Shutting Down

Lately, I’ve been trying to think of why I should go on with this blog. I started it to help others – but, with my mind on the World Wide Web, I am finding it is starting to hurt me through increasing fears – some would say paranoia. It is always a bit of a dilemma for me when I begin things in a moment of (hypo)mania and then struggle to keep up with myself; it tends to push me into disaster. Therefore, I am suspending the writing of this – even though it is still just a ‘baby’ blog. Thank you for reading - and good wishes to you. I don’t know what will happen in the future - but I think I may be gone for some time.

Classification

I’m cut right down the middle; sometimes I see, sometimes I don’t. It’s called insight and it’s here today, gone tomorrow. I speak from loneliness in company. There is a distinct lack of direction like unreality is plate glass. They put creatures into different classes. I was good but I hated school. That held me back and they pazamped half of me back there. Don’t be lead astray by greed or guilt for you are forgiven by love. I climbed a church tower once when the hour struck. Stay away from bad company because it’s big business for criminal gangs to extortionate people.

At times I see reality and at times I don’t. It’s a mirage and a rainbow and a will-o-the-wisp. I can hear whispers and I know no-one is there. It’s an illusion and a delusion but someone is causing my arms to grow and shrink in length right now. I can’t see anything else.

A Sense of Time

First of all, thank you to those who left kind comments under my last post. Indeed, thank you to anyone who visits my blog. It is all much appreciated.

I have lost all scale of time, much as a person left in sensory deprivation. I forget when things started, and I am always surprised when things have an end. My time has stalled to a stand-still. I go through the motions – I get up, eat, wash, change clothes, paint and write in certain sequences but the meaning of time is changed and I tend to just follow what others are doing.

Since my illness began, it has been made known to me that I am a head and ruler of the timelines. I am ahead of time, for I was born before time. Yet, I am outside of time. I have a habit of giving a home to any clock or other time piece as I have a fascination for keeping time - simply because I can’t. I used to sit and rock a lot in order to get back in time. Life has lost a dimension.

May Day

May day, may day. Who’s wrong? It’s you and me, all misplaced. I’m in freefall and fretful. It’s a distress call, a free-for-all, they make one size fit all. On the face of it, it is a catastrophe: when a mind has blown down to a singular point, a semi-permanent full stop, it is the still life which strikes you. The pure pitch of your own shadow in your pupil, like a black hole forming.

No matter what, do not let them know you can’t sleep. They have a whole rainbow of medicines; but they give you more than just tremors. I can’t see myself and I can’t sleep. I’ll have some help, if I may. Lithium? Count me in. Anything to lift the anaesthesia. I miss life terribly. About life... I’m having second thoughts. Excuse me, I can’t sleep. May day.